Twenty-Seventh Sunday in Ordinary Time 'B'

Sunday October 8, 2006

Marriage is forever but true love is always flexible!

As I scan the congregation, I ask myself what right have I as a celibate priest to speak of the qualities of a good marriage?

Were my grandmother here this morning, having reared six children, she might say, “Anyone who knows as little as you do about marriage would do well to stay out of the pulpit!

In any event, there is a temptation for the preacher to dilute the meaning of the text well-meaning exegesis on the one hand or on the other hand, get bogged down in ‘catch 22’ moralisms. The conservatives will balk at the former, liberals at the latter and my grandmother would say, you should have known better.

So, I’ll avoid the obvious and get to what I think might be root of the issue.

Although the preparation for marriage has become much more sophisticated over the last twenty-five years, statistics reveal that marriage failures have increased over the same period. This is a discouraging indicator that crosses religious and cultural lines in the United States. Yet it does not necessarily mean that pre-marital counseling has been a failure. Several years ago, a psychologist and priest colleague of mine, former seminary spiritual director now married, speaking to a group of clergy and laypersons involved in ministry to engaged couples made this statement and I think it still holds true: “The most effective pre-marital counseling generally takes place about seven years after the wedding!” This is an astounding statement.

Whether or not they are to be married in a Roman Catholic, Protestant or Evangelical church or even in a synagogue, mosque, or a banquet hall, couples are now expected to participate in some type of marriage preparation. The most effective preparation is a process that extends from nine to twelve months and often includes the completion of an inventory of several areas of their relationship. The inventory is not a ‘test’ or screening tool. Its purpose is to promote conversation about the various aspects of their relationship, e.g., marital expectations, communication, conflict resolution, leisure, mutuality, sexuality, parenting, family of origin issues such as family solidarity or the lack thereof within their respective families of birth and oh yes, spirituality.

It has been my experience that engaged couples believe they have covered all the bases but more often than not, inventory scores suggest some unfinished ‘business’—stuff to be unpacked and discussed more fully. For example, the inability to disagree in a civil and respectful manner on any issue is a negative indicator. Disagreements are inevitable but fighting is the harbinger of abuse! Moreover, there are certain ‘scripts’ that are corrosive, e.g., language that puts the other person down. Narcissistic tendencies in one or both partners make it difficult to build a strong, compatible relationship. On occasion, inventory scores may even suggest that couples should delay their marriage until they have resolved serious differences that could lead to a major breakdown later.

It is interesting that some cohabiting couples indicate strong satisfaction in the area of sexuality while scores in other aspects of their relationship may reveal the need for growth. This simply means that when the euphoria of sexual exploration wears thin, they have little else to hold their marriage together. Courtship is about sexuality not just sex. Sexuality is the development of a holistic relationship and involves the intellect, the emotions and of course, the will. Couples who are best friends as well as lovers have the greatest promise of a long and happy marriage.

Ten years after the death of my mother, my dad said to me one day out of the blue, “Your mother was my best friend.”

Of course, there are no perfect marriages. Every marriage is a work in progress. There are highs and lows. Life can’t be blueprinted; it unfolds day by day, month by month, and year by year. Life takes unexpected turns and faces unanticipated challenges. But faith can make these moments opportunities for growth rather then occasions for failure.

I’m not convinced that we will ever come up with just the right ingredients for a failsafe pre-marital preparation process. Many parishes enjoy the involvement of several parishioner couples serving as ‘Sponsor Couples” who welcome engaged couples into their homes for a friendly conversation about the joys and challenges of marriage. They do so not because their marriages are perfect but because they are happily married couples that don’t take their marriage for granted. In fact, sponsor couples report that their involvement in the marriage preparation process has enriched their own marriage, keeping them alert to the challenges that can strengthen or weaken their marriage.

If I may return to the observation of my psychologist friend that the best pre-marital counseling takes place seven years after the wedding, it must be stated that many, perhaps the majority of engaged couples tend to take pre-marital counseling “with a grain of salt.” In effect, this means that regardless of the quality of the pre-marital preparation ‘process,’ engaged couples tend to be preoccupied more with the details of the wedding ceremony, the reception and all the other celebrations in between. Even couples that have not been going to church are of a sudden very interested in all the traditional rituals associated with a Catholic wedding. As I listen to couples describe expectations of parents to say noting of the expectations indigenous to our American culture, I am convinced that it is more akin to the planning of a national convention. Surely they these celebrations feed the national economy but at what financial cost to the couple and their families to say nothing of the cost to their future.

So, the seeds of marital failure are not sown with the challenges that occur down the road but in the early stages of courtship and engagement. Building a successful marriage takes oodles of time and a great deal of energy. In a safe and trusting relationship this can be labor of love. Of course! Isn’t that what any successful vocation is about?

A few years ago at our parish family Mass I asked the children what it means to be faithful. One youngster said, “It means being patient.” Then I asked what it means to be patient. Another youngster said, “It means waiting and listening.” Can you believe this wisdom from the lips of children!

Of course, these are basic notions but I’m going to get even more basic. Do you want to be a success at any vocation? Eat nutritious foods—plenty of broccoli—drink lots of water, get plenty of sleep and exercise every day. Guaranteed, you will think more clearly, have more energy to be patient, and your unrealistic expectations for yourself and others will become more realistic and you will be less prone to illness — mental, physical and spiritual.

Faithful people are happy people. Happy people work at life and stretch for the other person without neglecting their basic needs. They rejoice in the success of their partner and their children. They are inner directed and give life their best shot and remember always that in the end, there are three things that last, faith hope and love but the greatest of these is? Flexibility!

Oh, by the way, if my grandmother were still here, she might say, “don’t try to cover all the bases in one homily or you’ll have egg on your face!”

She may have been correct!

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